*verbal diarrhea alert*
So, guess what. I still have not lost the 10
to 14 lbs that I have gained back. I keep losing and gaining the same 4 pounds, which still has me up from my lowest. Am I eating right all the time?…no. Am I working out at least 3 to 4 days a week?…no. Am I honestly surprised that I am not losing and that I have been carrying the same extra el beee’s for most of the summer?…no.
I know what I am supposed to do. I know that it is my choices and my own fault/lack of willpower/drive/determination/dedication/want…etc, that is keeping me from moving that scale. The scale is not the end all be all, but when you are not doing everything you know that you should be doing, you know that the number is, in that moment, an accurate reflection of your efforts.
I popped up some pounds and then I am basically maintaining. Why? I work out occasionally. I eat healthily part of the week. I am doing enough to stall the regain, but not enough to reverse it.
I am feeling frumpy as hell lately. Part of it is the stall out and partial gain. I know this. The other part is I just need something to reinvigorate me. I changed up my macros this week, and going to do this for a month to see what I can get churning in my metabolism. I am going to work really hard to make similar choices that I made when I was losing weight more regularly. I sound like a broken record right? You think your remember reading this post from me before, don’t you? I am sure you have.
This is hard. Losing 100 lbs
and the regaining a few of them back takes a lot of work and effort. I still need to lose close to 80 more pounds. It sometimes makes me exhausted just thinking about. I have to keep reminding myself of my mental state when I started last year. I was over it and not going to let anything stand in my way. losing 180 pounds seemed impossible, but I made it over half way there. Losing 80 more is not impossible either. It is just going to take some work and effort and I have to quit allowing myself to be lazy and indulge so much.
I am ready to feel good about myself again, and stop feeling frumpy. I wish I had an a-hole drill sergeant making me work out each day, and someone to wire my mouth shut sometimes. The problem is then I am not making the decision to be healthy. Sometimes, though I just want to not have to think about it or stress about it. That is not my reality, and I know this.
I am not going to blow smoke up your butt and say this is the start of something big. I am going to be honest and say that I am in a mental state right now that really wants to move forward and be happier with myself. I have to want it enough to make it happen.